and then he thinks he does, and he almost pulls back to get a look at billy's face to make sure he isn't having him on. except it's dark and nighttime and that wouldn't help]
Like. [he pauses, licks his lips. he doesn't want to say the word he's about to say. not because it's dangerous (which it isn't, here). but because he's still sad and wants to sulk a little, and saying the b-word should be a good thing. ] Boyfriends together.
[ It's not a yes, exactly. He's just putting the word out there, confident that billy probably won't knock him down on his ass for it, but still afraid it might happen anyway ]
Yeah. [ He's downright embarrassed about how happy he is to hear Steve call him his boyfriend. ]
We walk in holding hands, we kiss, you drag me out when some stupid song comes on and pester me until I dance with you. We get sloppy drunk and act like idiots. All that good stuff.
All that good stuff he'll never get to do with Billy back home.
Steve pauses longer than he should, especially when everything suggested sounds actually amazing. He's thinking about what others have said. Take the chance while he's got it. ]
You've got to make out with me under the mistletoe. And blow me in their bathroom.
[ Non-negotiable. If they're going together together they have to do it properly. ]
[ Steve huffs out a breath that's almost laughter. getting to fight someone just 'cause they're under the mistletoe together. it's so billy
he'd have found it dumb, once. often he still does, not totally understanding the need billy's got to fight things. but it makes billy feel good, he guesses. it helps and steve is always going to be in favor of things that help billy hargrove. knowing that billy wants to fight people for him is dumb and sweet and--
steve's chest goes tight, momentarily too full of both a sharp sadness and sharper affection. he can't breathe so he bites his lip, presses his face against billy and holds him close
he doesn't say i wish you weren't dead. it wouldn't help. in a moment the ache will pass, like it has before. ]
Yeah. [ his voice sounds small and he hates it. hates being like this around billy ] Yeah. Don't let anyone even get a peck on the cheek.
[ He smiles, but he can hear the defeated tone in Steve's voice and it makes him feel kind of defeated, too. His expression falls.
He really wishes Steve had just never gone home. Then he wouldn't have to be the dead guy. Why couldn't they have been together before this happened, even for just a short while? ]
I'm here right now, Harrington. I'm sorry that's all I can give you.
Hey, don't say that. Don't be sorry. It's- [ he stops before he can finish with it's okay. It's not okay and they both know it.
he shifts against billy so he can kiss him properly. it's insistent and hard, almost trying to be an apology for the fact that he can't get over this ]
You're the best boyfriend I've ever had, asshole. Don't be sorry about that.
[ he sees the tear but doesn't stop billy from wiping it away. instead he brings their faces together, feels the wetness from billy's cheek on his own ]
The best. [ he says it again, insistent like the kiss had been. these past few weeks with billy have been better than any time with anyone else he's dated ] You, Billy Hargrove, are fucking gorgeous and a great lay, and even though you're an asshole and your music sucks ass and your car is an actual death trap-- I'm pretty sure you're the greatest thing to ever happen to my life.
[ he hasn't realised but his cheeks are wet as well now ]
So I'm-- trying. To be here just like you're here. [ Trying to live in this world where Billy's alive, instead of back home where he isn't. ] I want to be here with you too.
...You really like me that much? [ Steve's crying. Billy's cried in front of Steve a few times now, but this is the first time he's ever seen Steve cry.
He's always envied Steve's ability to shove what he sees as weak emotions down and keep his composure. He always assumed that seeing Steve cry would result in losing some respect for him. Men don't cry.
...But that's not what happens. He's not disgusted. There's still that voice in the back of his head saying that crying is for girls and little boys, but this is Steve. His boyfriend. And he can cry if he damn well wants to cry.
Maybe Steve felt the same way about seeing him cry, too. ]
You're the best, too, King Steve. [ And this time that nickname has some actual sincerity behind it. ] I'm gonna be with you as long as I can be. That's the most we could've said back home, too, isn't it?
[ This place was dangerous, and people disappeared sometimes, but either one of them could have died any time in Hawkins, too. ]
he can't help but smile at that, even as he realises his cheeks are wet and it's not because of billy's tears ]
Can-- you imagine? [ he half laughs, a quick breath as he keeps his face pressed against billy because the tears aren't stopping ] Being like this, back home? Sneaking around Hawkins, making out where no one'd find us. Sneaking you into my room at night-- [ Because they would have had to sneak around, Steve's sure. The alternative is... not worth thinking about, and so Steve doesn't. He thinks only about the good things, the excitement of sneaking around, sharing knowing looks. It's ridiculous and impossible, but... ]
All those sad chicks flirting with you at the pool, not knowing they didn't have a chance of getting their hands on you. Not with king steve around.
I wouldn't even be looking at them. That would've drove them crazy. [ He smiles, touching his forehead to Steve's. ] Can you imagine trying to shove me in your closet if you thought your parents were coming?
[ He pauses. ] Actually, you've probably got a walk-in closet, don't you?
[ And he laughs at that. Both of their families would have rejected them - with the exception of Max, at least - but Billy doesn't want to think about the difficult stuff too much, either.
Except for one thing. ] If we got caught, would you run away with me?
[ Because running away together or breaking up would be their only options at that point. He'd like to run away with Steve, even if they had no reason to. ]
[ Steve joins in the laughter, because of course he had a walk-in closet back home. Of course he'd have hidden Billy in there, for the week or two of the month his parents were home.
Thinking about it, imagining Billy lounging on one of the pool chairs at his house while they shared a cigarette eases a weight that's been sitting on his chest. He can't have it, it can't happen. But they'd have made it work. He turns his head to wipe his cheeks on the pillow, and when he turns back he's calmer than he's been since he came back to bed.
Somehow, in that alternate Hawkins, Steve can easily see himself getting in the Camaro and leaving for good. It's something he's never really been able to grasp before; leaving for college or work or-- for any reason. Maybe being in Deerington's helped change that. ]
I'm picky as hell, Hargrove. You think I'd let you drag me through a string of one-star motels until we figured out what to do? [ But his tone says yes. The press of his face to Billy's is an affirmation. His fingertips, resting in the small of Billy's back, spell out an promise that he'd choose Billy over Hawkins in a heartbeat. ]
[ Billy closes his eyes. His cheeks are still wet but he's stopped crying now. ] I think you'd like driving around with me in the dark, staying at shitty motels and falling asleep together on a cramped twin bed because we had to get a room with two beds for appearances. Night after night in a different place until one day we'd be somewhere where we'd realize we both kinda liked it.
[ He smiles, but it's melancholy. He's realizing just how much he aches for what he's describing. He doesn't want to die. He wants an adventure with Steve first. ]
[ It sounds gross and unsanitary and exhausting and totally insane
... and at the same time--] Somewhere near the ocean.
[ Nothing's changed, but as Steve shifts just to be reassured by Billy's weight on him, he feels better. ]
This time you can be the one with a job, and I'll stay home all day. [ His speech is slowing, his eyes closing. Nothing's going to get Billy out of his arms tonight. ]
[ The thought of Indiana boy Steve Harrington getting on a surf board for the first time amuses him to no end. ] Don't worry, I'll catch you when you fall on your ass.
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and then he thinks he does, and he almost pulls back to get a look at billy's face to make sure he isn't having him on. except it's dark and nighttime and that wouldn't help]
Like. [he pauses, licks his lips. he doesn't want to say the word he's about to say. not because it's dangerous (which it isn't, here). but because he's still sad and wants to sulk a little, and saying the b-word should be a good thing. ] Boyfriends together.
[ It's not a yes, exactly. He's just putting the word out there, confident that billy probably won't knock him down on his ass for it, but still afraid it might happen anyway ]
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We walk in holding hands, we kiss, you drag me out when some stupid song comes on and pester me until I dance with you. We get sloppy drunk and act like idiots. All that good stuff.
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All that good stuff he'll never get to do with Billy back home.
Steve pauses longer than he should, especially when everything suggested sounds actually amazing. He's thinking about what others have said. Take the chance while he's got it. ]
You've got to make out with me under the mistletoe. And blow me in their bathroom.
[ Non-negotiable. If they're going together together they have to do it properly. ]
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[ Any time Steve drops his pants, Billy's there and ready to go, pretty much. Mistletoe's a little lame but if it means more kissing, he'll take it. ]
That also means if you get stuck under the mistletoe with anyone else, I get to fight them for you. Those're the rules.
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he'd have found it dumb, once. often he still does, not totally understanding the need billy's got to fight things. but it makes billy feel good, he guesses. it helps and steve is always going to be in favor of things that help billy hargrove. knowing that billy wants to fight people for him is dumb and sweet and--
steve's chest goes tight, momentarily too full of both a sharp sadness and sharper affection. he can't breathe so he bites his lip, presses his face against billy and holds him close
he doesn't say i wish you weren't dead. it wouldn't help. in a moment the ache will pass, like it has before. ]
Yeah. [ his voice sounds small and he hates it. hates being like this around billy ] Yeah. Don't let anyone even get a peck on the cheek.
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He really wishes Steve had just never gone home. Then he wouldn't have to be the dead guy. Why couldn't they have been together before this happened, even for just a short while? ]
I'm here right now, Harrington. I'm sorry that's all I can give you.
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he shifts against billy so he can kiss him properly. it's insistent and hard, almost trying to be an apology for the fact that he can't get over this ]
You're the best boyfriend I've ever had, asshole. Don't be sorry about that.
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[ He returns the kiss, trying to wipe away the single tear falling down his cheek before Steve sees it. ]
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The best. [ he says it again, insistent like the kiss had been. these past few weeks with billy have been better than any time with anyone else he's dated ] You, Billy Hargrove, are fucking gorgeous and a great lay, and even though you're an asshole and your music sucks ass and your car is an actual death trap-- I'm pretty sure you're the greatest thing to ever happen to my life.
[ he hasn't realised but his cheeks are wet as well now ]
So I'm-- trying. To be here just like you're here. [ Trying to live in this world where Billy's alive, instead of back home where he isn't. ] I want to be here with you too.
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He's always envied Steve's ability to shove what he sees as weak emotions down and keep his composure. He always assumed that seeing Steve cry would result in losing some respect for him. Men don't cry.
...But that's not what happens. He's not disgusted. There's still that voice in the back of his head saying that crying is for girls and little boys, but this is Steve. His boyfriend. And he can cry if he damn well wants to cry.
Maybe Steve felt the same way about seeing him cry, too. ]
You're the best, too, King Steve. [ And this time that nickname has some actual sincerity behind it. ] I'm gonna be with you as long as I can be. That's the most we could've said back home, too, isn't it?
[ This place was dangerous, and people disappeared sometimes, but either one of them could have died any time in Hawkins, too. ]
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he can't help but smile at that, even as he realises his cheeks are wet and it's not because of billy's tears ]
Can-- you imagine? [ he half laughs, a quick breath as he keeps his face pressed against billy because the tears aren't stopping ] Being like this, back home? Sneaking around Hawkins, making out where no one'd find us. Sneaking you into my room at night-- [ Because they would have had to sneak around, Steve's sure. The alternative is... not worth thinking about, and so Steve doesn't. He thinks only about the good things, the excitement of sneaking around, sharing knowing looks. It's ridiculous and impossible, but... ]
All those sad chicks flirting with you at the pool, not knowing they didn't have a chance of getting their hands on you. Not with king steve around.
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[ He pauses. ] Actually, you've probably got a walk-in closet, don't you?
[ And he laughs at that. Both of their families would have rejected them - with the exception of Max, at least - but Billy doesn't want to think about the difficult stuff too much, either.
Except for one thing. ] If we got caught, would you run away with me?
[ Because running away together or breaking up would be their only options at that point. He'd like to run away with Steve, even if they had no reason to. ]
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Thinking about it, imagining Billy lounging on one of the pool chairs at his house while they shared a cigarette eases a weight that's been sitting on his chest. He can't have it, it can't happen. But they'd have made it work. He turns his head to wipe his cheeks on the pillow, and when he turns back he's calmer than he's been since he came back to bed.
Somehow, in that alternate Hawkins, Steve can easily see himself getting in the Camaro and leaving for good. It's something he's never really been able to grasp before; leaving for college or work or-- for any reason. Maybe being in Deerington's helped change that. ]
I'm picky as hell, Hargrove. You think I'd let you drag me through a string of one-star motels until we figured out what to do? [ But his tone says yes. The press of his face to Billy's is an affirmation. His fingertips, resting in the small of Billy's back, spell out an promise that he'd choose Billy over Hawkins in a heartbeat. ]
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[ Billy closes his eyes. His cheeks are still wet but he's stopped crying now. ] I think you'd like driving around with me in the dark, staying at shitty motels and falling asleep together on a cramped twin bed because we had to get a room with two beds for appearances. Night after night in a different place until one day we'd be somewhere where we'd realize we both kinda liked it.
[ He smiles, but it's melancholy. He's realizing just how much he aches for what he's describing. He doesn't want to die. He wants an adventure with Steve first. ]
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... and at the same time--] Somewhere near the ocean.
[ Nothing's changed, but as Steve shifts just to be reassured by Billy's weight on him, he feels better. ]
This time you can be the one with a job, and I'll stay home all day. [ His speech is slowing, his eyes closing. Nothing's going to get Billy out of his arms tonight. ]
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[ He squeezes Steve's hand. ] Would you come to the beach with me again? In my memories, I mean. We could stay for a while this time.
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Yeah. Go get some sun. [ He squeezes Billy's hand back. ] Teach me how to surf.
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[ The thought of Indiana boy Steve Harrington getting on a surf board for the first time amuses him to no end. ] Don't worry, I'll catch you when you fall on your ass.
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You think I'll fall for you? [ his breath's evening out, words slowing ]
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Yeah. Me too.
[ his last conscious thought as he drifts off is that he's pretty sure he already has. ]